I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
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