Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
