apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
