life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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