what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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