my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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