2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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