I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
