pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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