Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
