Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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