come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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