Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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