I just cut my nipple shaving
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
