Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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