No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
