mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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