Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
