My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
