And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
