don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You've changed since you got that strap on
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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