you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
