even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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