i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
