Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
