Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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