He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
