Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
