Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
