there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
