just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
im on a boat
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