The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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