first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
