i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
