Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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