A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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