Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We have started to decorate penises.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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