I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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