I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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