my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You can't special order awesome
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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