I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
