fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
