I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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