Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
