If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
