I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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