We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
