Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
