2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
