remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
