i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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